OK, so I'm not usually someone who shares personal things like this, but I feel like it's time.

I grew up going to Sunday school, but honestly, it didn't feel spiritual at all. It actually felt forced. 

And I can't even tell you what I learned in Sunday school. 

I just remember communion feeling more like a graduation ceremony than anything meaningful. It didn't shape my faith and it didn't shape my identity. 

After that, I didn't really have much of a faith life. And by the time I hit my teenage years, I wasn't just disconnected. I actually became a non-believer. 

But looking back, I realized it wasn't that I didn't believe at all. It was that I felt misunderstood and I really didn't know how to deal with that. It wasn't until I met my now husband that I even thought about having a relationship with God again. 

My unbelief was actually a deal breaker for him, and I really liked him, so I found a church in my neighborhood and started going and I know that, you know, sounds silly, but that was my initial motivation. 

The first time I walked in, I had such an emotional experience that I stayed. And I became a member. 

You see, church gave me just enough faith to feel like I was doing the right thing. without really changing anything underneath. It was surface level prayers, emotional filled Sundays, followed by brunch, and the rest of the week, I lived like everyone else. 

And you see, that worked until 2020 happened. When the world fell apart, so did I. Churches shut down virtual services weren't the same, and because my foundation had been the church and not the word, I had nothing solid to lean on, so depression hit hard, and I moved around a lot that year. 

And at my lowest point, I even attempted to take my own life, but all praises to the most Yahuah because he spared me. 

I just remember sobbing, face down to the floor, begging for something to change. And about a month later, everything started looking up. 

I landed a six-figure job. I moved back to New York into a beautiful high-rise apartment, and I was in the best physical shape of my life. I even started lightly tapping back into my faith again, or what I called my faith. 

I had routines, you know, reading the verse of the day, journaling a few thoughts and moving on with my life. 

Life looked good again, and for a while I thought ugh, this must be the fruit, and what I meant by fruit back then was success, you know, opportunities opening up, financial blessings, comfort, peace, stability. Especially coming from a very low point. I thought that because my life looked good, so my faith must be good too, right? I must be doing something right. 

But deep down, it wasn't fullness. It was just comfort. 

It was success, but it wasn't truth. and without realizing it, I started to tie my identity to all of those things, my routines, my body, my career, my image. They became the proof that I was doing okay, but none of it was rooted in the word. It was rooted in the fruit of the world, not in eternal fruit. 

Then I got pregnant and had my son, and after he was born, everything I had wrapped my identity around shifted. My body wasn't the same, my routines nonexistent didn't exist at all. And my career wasn't the focus. 

Suddenly, all the things that once made me feel whole didn't matter. And because I wasn't rooted in truth only in surfacelevel fruit, I felt like I lost myself. And that's when postpartum depression really settled in. 

It wasn't just the hormones. It was a complete collapse of the life I thought was enough to hold me. 

Not long after my family and I moved to the south. 

We started looking for a new church home. We found one and started attending and went maybe like three times. but every time I sat there, every time we sat there, it felt like something inside of me was shrinking instead of growing. 

It wasn't anger and it wasn't judgment. 

It was a quiet and settling feeling, like the ruach, the Holy Spirit was gently pulling us out. So we stopped. We stopped altogether, and almost immediately after Yah opened the door and called us into truth. HalleluYAH, everything changed from night to day. 

It wasn't about finding a better church any more. It was about finding him, about walking the narrow path he intended for us and once we saw it we couldn't unsee it and we haven't looked back since. 

And if I'm being honest, I was tired too tired of chasing success, tired of trying to find fulfillment in things that would never last, tired of feeling empty, even when life looked good on the outside. 

I didn't even realize how tired my spirit was until Yah started pulling me out. 

Now everything that I do, everything that we do as a family is about walking in truth, not perfection, not appearances, not tradition, truth, real truth, the kind that's rooted Yah’s word, not in what feels familiar truth that challenges you to actually live what he says, not just believe it. It's not easy and it's definitely not popular, but it is real. 

And it started with one honest question. I had to ask myself, do I just believe or do I obey? 

If anything in your spirit feels unsettled, if you're tired too, trust me, you're not crazy. 

Maybe you're actually waking up. 

Wherever you are in your journey, just know that you're not alone. So thank you for sitting with me for a few minutes to listen to my story. If this resonates with you at all, even a little bit, please do not hesitate to reach out. 

Shalom.